Opinion: Not everyone loves Valentine's Day

By Leslie Hill and Nicolette Little

Valentine’s Day is here. Heart-shaped chocolates and bouquets of fresh roses decorate grocery store check-out lines, enticing couples who await North America’s most “romantic” day of the year.

Not everyone is excited for this holiday, however – and this goes beyond those opposed to V-Day’s overly sweet commercialization. Survivors of domestic violence, which disproportionately affects women and people of marginalized identities, are among them. Physical and sexual violence often come to mind when one hears the term “abuse,” yet psychological and emotional abuse are just as harmful. Technology-facilitated abuse (TFA) has emerged as equally dangerous. Survivors often describe these forms of abuse as far worse than any physical violence they endured.

In today’s networked society, domestic abuse has moved online. Abusers locate, control, manipulate, or frighten the survivor through digital devices, apps, and platforms. Social networking sites with GPS capabilities that allow users to tag their whereabouts in photos help abusers track survivors, including through posts made by friends and family. Smartwatches and other wearable devices along with tracking tiles, or tags, can also pose a threat, as they are easily hidden in belongings and can alert an abuser to a person’s whereabouts. TFA can manifest in intrusive and upsetting text messages, or when an abuser humiliates or seeks revenge on a survivor, for example by sharing intimate images or private details without consent on social media. Abusers frequently create fake profiles to try to get their survivor to re-engage.

At Discovery House and other shelters, digital tracking and abuse are common concerns. Our reliance on smartphones means the abuser’s intimidation can follow the survivor anywhere, including the home. When survivors seek sanctuary in domestic violence shelters, digital technologies bring abuse within the shelter walls, violating residents’ sense of safety.

This is further complicated for families who have shared services and family accounts, which allow an abuser to easily find their target. When children are involved, it can be difficult for them to understand that digitally blocking their parent is necessary for their safety. This complexity means that shelter staff who work with these families need the technological skills to respond to abuse as it evolves from taking place in-person to virtually. Digital technologies have changed what it means to abuse – and to leave an abuser.

Problematically, most of us can’t identify when someone is being abused. This is even more difficult when no external bruises are evident, and the public persona of an abuser is often quite charming. Some signs of abuse include jealousy and possessiveness, controlling access to money, belittling or humiliation, isolation from family and friends, demands to access passwords or the contents of phones or computers, and blaming and accusations. Meanwhile, a person being abused may be frightened, withdrawn, cancel plans at the last minute, appear meek, have reduced access to finances, and experience changes in personality, sleep, appetite, or mood.

Because abuse is prevalent, we need to be informed and vigilant about these flags. Also, in cases of TFA, it is important to break with society’s survivor-blaming tendencies, considering how to hold abusers accountable rather than asking survivors to turn off or avoid their devices, which are essential tools for connectivity and safety. Also, shelter staff must receive training in addressing and limiting the consequences of TFA.

If you or someone you know needs help, you can call 211 for support.

Leslie Hill, executive director of Discovery House Family Violence Prevention Society, and Nicolette Little, media and technology studies professor, University of Alberta